Communicating with your landlord, over the phone, in a letter, or in person, can be a tense experience. Whether you the renter are requesting some repairs to your premises or your landlord is trying to schedule a time to spray for bugs, it is difficult to feel at ease with the person who owns the property where you reside. It's always in your best interest to remain civil, but imagine if a GOP candidate for President, perhaps one of those hoping for a respectable showing in this Saturday's South Carolina primary, was your landlord? Here are some uncomfortable situations we've imagined:
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Rick Perry
Dear Tenant: You are hereby notified that rent for this month was due a decade ago, last week, in the back of the 16th century. Your inability to pay this month's rent is, of course, the fault of the President and three, four, maybe five agencies of government. As the undersigned landlord, I hereby pledge to you that I will take the following three steps unless rent is paid: 1.) Take a wrecking ball to your premises. 2.) Return to its place the large, flat rock decorated with a racial epithet, which was removed at your request and 3.) Um…er…um…oops. Sincerely, Rick Perry. -
Sarah Palin
Dear Tenant: I, the undersigned landlord, would like to thank you for your patience while Todd, the undersigned first dude, and his buddies build yet another, higher fence in addition to the 14-foot cedar wood fence already in place between our properties. Unfortunately, the fence will block your view of Russia. But don't misunderestimate how much better you will feel knowing that your foreign next door neighbor is unable to spy on you and your children. Todd and I also wish to notify you that oil drilling in your front yard will begin next week. It's just commonsensible! Sincerely, Sarah Palin -
Herman Cain
Dear Tenant: You are hereby notified that in lieu of the requested repairs to your premises, I, the undersigned landlord, will deliver to you one large pizza with toppings once a week until further notice. You can text me the date and time for the weekly delivery, preferably after 1 a.m. when my wife is sound asleep. You only have yourself to blame for the wear and tear on your premises, and I suspect your request for repairs was orchestrated by the current President. Sincerely, Herman Cain. -
Dan Quayle
Dear Tenant: The future will be better tomorrow. We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes that I, the undersigned landlord, may or may not have made. I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. You are hereby notified to be ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur and what a waste it would be to lose one's mind. Most Sincerly, Dan Quayle. -
Michele Bachman
Dear Tenant: I, the undersigned landlord, would like to apologize for my previous letter wishing your father a happy birthday when in fact he had been dead for almost thirty years. I would also like to explain that the reason I was hiding in the bushes outside my office when you dropped off this month's rent is that I had only just escaped the clutches of an evil ex-nun who handcuffed me to the door of my SUV. In conclusion, to keep you safe in an increasingly dangerous world, I have changed all of the locks on your premises. Sincerely, Michele Bachman. -
Donald Trump
Dear Tenant: This letter is to inform you that your rent is now one day past due. And I, the undersigned landlord, think that when it came to crunch time, you choked. You were given a task to complete, but you didn't follow through with the concept! When it comes to paying rent, you have to remember money is a score card. And in order to not be late and subsequently let down your team, you have to push yourself. You have to separate yourself from the pack. And you can blame hidden ATM fees or say you're waiting for account funds to be released – whatever. What it all comes down to is this: you let me down. You're evicted. Sincerely, Donald Trump. P.S. Vote Republican. -
Newt Gingrich
Dear Tenant: Before we schedule a time for the much needed repairs to your roof, I, the undersigned landlord, would like to tell you a few things about Republican candidate for President Mitt Romney. You know, capitalism is what made this country great. It has allowed me to increase my own income to the tune of several million dollars, as well as employ several staff and, after they resign en masse, hire replacements. But Mitt Romney has a secret. In addition to being a ruthless corporate raider and what you could conceivably call a "serial killer," he also is able to control the skies with psychic powers he developed over time as a member of a religious cult that I won't name. And I believe he is responsible for the small meteor that somehow fell from the sky and went through your roof, creating the damage you've requested I repair. Of course, we may need to fact check all of this. But until then, please watch the skies this Saturday. And beware. Sincerely, Newt Gingrich. -
Mitt Romney
Dear Tenant: Before we schedule a time for the much needed bug spraying of your premises, I, the undersigned landlord, would like to tell you a few things about Republican candidate for President Newt Gingrich. You know, Gingrich teamed up with former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi on global warming. That means, he is at least partially responsible for our planet's rising temperatures, which promote the warm and humid environment the bugs in your premises thrive in. The next time you roll up a magazine to kill one of these little pests, please remember Newt Gingrich, and imagine the same insect with a well groomed helmet of silver hair. Sincerely, Mitt Romney. P.S. After we spray, you will need to leave the premises for at least twenty-four hours. -
Jimmy McMillan
Dear Tenant: I, the undersigned landlord and well-known karate expert, have read your recent letter requesting an extension on the rent. Your reason for requesting an extension is one I can agree with. The rent is too damn high. But what you may not know is that I, the undersigned landlord and well-known karate expert, have joined the Republican party and am running for President. And while your rent may be too damn high, I myself am incurring some serious expenses. And I have pledged to give the President a run for his money. In conclusion, let me say this: your rent is too damn late. And I am an expert in karate. And well-known. Sincerely, Jimmy McMillan. -
Rick Santorum
Dear Tenant: You are hereby notified that the undersigned landlord is also a candidate for the presidency of the United States. Because of this, money is tight. So while your timely payment of this month's rent is appreciated, there are simply not enough funds available to pay for a repair of the heating system on your premises. However, since it is January and it is cold, the undersigned landlord will provide to you the tenant at no charge, three sweater vests. They come in one color, grey, and are one size fits all. The undersigned landlord hopes that this, and the end of entitlement programs, makes your life better. Sincerely, Rick Santorum.
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